A motivational burst-out

For years now I have been trying myself in various spheres and roles. And this even concerns my University and my Church Choir as well. (Yeah, you’ve read it correctly, I used to be in one.🙃) I always knew that there is something out there waiting for me that could bring me success. So I urged myself to be good at everything, to be always if not the best but among the best ones, because, you know, this girl is a workaholic but a lazy one.😒

Ugh, yes I am always paradoxical. Yup, that is me, but I like it. Sometimes, I am frustrating myself with this, but we have what we have. If I were not as lazy as I am I would have already reached the success that I have always sought for. But my laziness is not a regular one (well nothing is regular about me, I am a “Phoebe” of my kind. If you know what I mean). It comes with being extra-emotional. I mean I would feel bummed about a heartwarming movie, dude, let alone something personal happens. Yes, Yes I am extra, but wait, maybe I am not extra, but the rest of the world is basic? Well, you may never know…But I know something; my emotions define me, and I am proud to be feeling them.

Okay, let’s pass to the main reason why I have started to write this article about the failure that I am. Whoops, did I say it out loud?😜 Ugh well, I don’t mind. As I really want to pour myself out about all these things that are inside me, maybe to motivate someone to speak up about these kinds of issues but also to make someone feel a little bit better about themselves, to let them know that they are not the only ones feeling like this.

So, yesterday was one of the days that I was feeling low as another not very fun thing happened to me at my workplace. Well, while feeling this low I bumped into a picture on Instagram and that hit me hard:

(Unfortunately, by the time I started writing the article the post has been deleted but I found an alternative for it)

After seeing the meme I have started to analyze myself and I realized that I really have always been trying to be on top. I have always wanted the world to turn around me, that is why I am always friends with strong people with the best minds. Long story short, these people unconsciously push me to better myself to become the best version of myself, not theirs, as I hate copying people, ugh, I don’t like to see that there is someone like me. This is Third-child-syndrome I guess.

Moving ahead as far as know now that my friends are the best, let’s pass to my failures. As mentioned above, starting from the University I tried different paths, and in my 3rd year there I realized that I was not where I wanted to be, but it did not get in my way, as if I start something I am going to finish it. I pushed myself to finish the Uni and then I started to think about what to do next. Then I ended up being a Tour Guide which has been my initial plan before I even entered the Uni. Well, of course, I have chosen the hardest thing for me, as I always do, which is frustrating like “Giiiirl, just try something easy for the love of God”. Yes, it was hard as I had to learn a lot while working, to learn the whole history of Armenia and not only, the culture, EVERYTHING.

Anyhow, I was extremely enjoying this job but after some time I started to look deeper into the future and I started my next search. Between my dream job and my current passion I was working at some office, where I did have many failures, but, God, I hated that job so much that it has never made sense for me why I was sticking to it. Another try to finish something I started? Another try to not quit difficulties? Another try to be the hero? Well, you will never be a hero in a story that you wholeheartedly hate to be a part of. However, no regrets right? As this was the place that pushed me to do my thing, to find my passion, to find the next challenge for me which would boost my anxiety, haha😀! Well, always trying to be on top so extremely can be a reason for my anxiety that comes and goes with time. I just started to think that I have a deep desire to feel anxious sometimes😒 (FOR MY FUTURE EMPLOYER I am not a psycho, I am just dramatic 😀 I would be really good at drama acting, I can feel that. And if you see this post and decide not to hire me, then the loss is yours. You’d never know how talented I am👩🏼‍💻💃🏻).

Well, speaking of my current passion, my profession, the sphere of my heart, IT, I can never calculate how much hard time I had here, how many failures I had here, how many times I thought “ Maybe this is way too hard for me. Maybe I should quit my job and have babies, and never try anything in my career again.” (I am not implying that having babies instead of a career is a bad thing, as, at the end of the day, I do want to become a mother one day). I really cannot count how many times I thought about this. Despite this, you have no idea how much I love my job, how much I want to learn, how much I want to succeed, how much I want to look back and say to myself: “Giiirl, you did this, you deserve this!!!”

Yet, there is always something that comes my way. I have a friend who is always telling me, “How on Earth are all these things happening to you?”.
Well, I do know what the answer is: “If you have naturally curly hair, there is no way your hair stays smooth when the environment is damp no matter how much you iron it”. And as for the situation with my hair, my path is designed that way. I am magnetic to extraordinary people and events. And you know what? I love it. 🥰I always learn something from this. I worked with so many difficult people that now I can work maybe with anyone if there is a real purpose. Opposed to this, now I am capable of choosing my priorities and choose not to fight in places where there is no potential. If something is important I will fight for it till the end. In contrast, if the worth of that fight is only my health I will choose to leave it as it is, as you know, nothing can buy health neither physical nor mental. And I call it defining the priorities not quitting.

Returning back to what I felt while seeing that picture, let us think about how many times we felt that we failed, how many times we were told that we failed? I even remember some people telling me that what I am up to is way over my experience levels and abilities but those exact people ended up telling me one day that they are amazed by my strength and determination.

There are so many difficult scenarios that we dump into that may make us feel that we are not good enough. And in reality, we make mistakes, we really fail, but it is up to us how we approach those failures. This was the main motive for me to start writing this article, to share with the world that I failed, I failed a lot. I failed, I succeeded and I failed again, and I know that I will succeed in the end. And you know why? Because I choose to succeed. I want to put my failures under my feet as bricks to help me go up towards my success.

I want each and every one of you to start thinking TOWARDS your success and not against it. Always remember that all the successful people and companies had failed so many times, but they continued to grow with their lessons learned, and eventually, they got what they wanted. Cliché Not A Cliché, it is what it is.

Finally, never, like never ever, compare yourself with people your age or with people having the same profession as you. People have their own journeys and it does not mean that some person who reaches some successful point in life, will always exceed you, as you never know what life has prepared for them and especially for you. Simply speak your fears up and you’ll find your biggest strength in them.

Last but not the least, please, do remember, that if you do something and it does not work out the way you thought it should have been. Remember there is always time for v1.0.1 , v1.0.2, v1.1….v2.0……….v. ♾.

With love💛
Masha;
The Failing but Rising PM
Love you!

March 23